Disposable pistol in a bottle of whiskey

Disposable pistol packaged in a bottle of whiskey

When I was a youngster, one of my gun magazines reproduced an old Auto-Ordnance advertisement that showed some range detective mowing down a gang of rustlers or bandidos from the bunk-house porch. The ad called the Tommy-gun "The most effective portable fire arm in existence". After I saw that ad, I thought I needed a Thompson sub-machine gun.

Now that I'm older, and nobody is paying me to stand my ground against bandits, I realize that a Thompson gun would be utterly useless to me. But over the years, I have given some thought to a firearm marketing scheme that would offend everyone's sensibilities. Here is what I came up with:

The weapon features a two shot capacity and is almost entirely non-metallic. Even the .40 caliber slugs are made of hard plastic. The propellant is electronically ignited, using side-mounted piezoelectric triggers. Aside from two very fine wires that carry the electric primer charge it is non-metallic, everything else is fabricated from miracle space-age polymers and composites. It is metal detector proof and has a low X-Ray visibility, for convenient traveling.

The overall design follows that of the common Bic lighter, except that all surfaces are textured to prevent fingerprint retention. There is no traditional grip; the gun is held in the fist and the business end pointed at the target. Pressing one of the trigger buttons firmly causes one shot to be fired. The fairly heavy 'trigger pull' is the only safety.

Once both barrels have been discharged, the weapon is simply thrown away. No muss, no fuss, no bother.

But this innovative pistol isn't the most unusual aspect; the marketing strategy is what really makes this little gat stand out. The gun is packaged in a waterproof pouch and sealed inside a bottle of whiskey or other strong spirits. It sits visible at the bottom of the bottle like the worm in a bottle of Mezcal. To get at it the customer must drink the liquor, then break the bottle.

Stores should stock them next to the check-out, along with the other impulse items. The price should be less than $10.

What a bad idea. I don't know why I think of these things. I figure if I post it on the internet, the idea will go away. I mentioned this to DadGum, (who blogged the story of the cell phone gun here previously) and he had a warning. Said he, "What if some smart-ass lawyer uses this idea in an amicus brief for the coming Supreme Court showdown over the Second Amendment? Suppose the court cites this bad idea as one of the reasons for ruling against the 2nd Amendment as an individual right? Every gun oner in America would be after you."

That would be bad. Now who wants to think of a brand name for this hot item? It has to fit both the liquor and the weapon aspects of the overall package. I was thinking perhaps "Old Score Settler". We'll need a slogan too, like, "Don't just get drunk, get even".